*Taken from the song “Say Something” by A Great big World*
“Say something I’m giving up on you!”
“And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all”
“And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl”
~These lyrics seem to be hitting home for me really hard as of late.~
As the last lines replay over in my head, the fear is that I won’t be able to even remotely gain. What appear to be simple for some. Even with a little work and with some self worth and confidence, seem to be some of the hardest things for me to even think I could possibly achieve.
It is only 31 days into the year of 2014. However, numerous set backs both in health matters and my mental well just feel so overwhelming to me that I have connected to these few lyrics in such a dark and elegantly simple manner. Then again being the emotional artist that I am I probably have to, to some degree. Just not as beautiful and so simplistically written.
It is NOT that I want to pity myself or have others feel sorry for me. Even if sometimes it might feel that way. After all, we are all human and whatever those things that may separate us it is that human connection we have in us regardless if it shared conciously or not. What I also know is that WE ALL have these times where we don’t know who we are, how we may feel about it and then once we do know how to even achieve it and it can be some of the hardest things we may face in this life.
For myself though, to try to even start to to find any of those things has been very hard for me and it can be a very lonely road. I wish I could say it would at least for myself, bring some sense of stability or at best at least the illusion of one to help guild my sometimes fucked up life and/or the decisions I have made(even if they were good ones) or for the ones completely out of my control help through these rough times that just seems so elusive at present.
I can admit to myself that I have not always made the best or the most timely decisions in the past but this year I want it to be different. I want my life and dreams and ambitions to be full-filled even if it takes baby steps. I also know that it IS still the very beginning of the year that could turn around to be an amazing one. It could be full of love, happiness, full of improved health that can turn out to be so unexpected in a positive light.
I know I have family and friends who love me dearly. They stuck literally by my side as I almost died last year. I AM a fighter but my moments of weaknesses or literally my biggest problem and I am my own worst enemy. BUT I do not want to be that person any more and it will take time and a LOT of healing of what I have been through.
I will also admit for the first time to people outside of my family that I suffer from MANY different illness both physical and mental.
I won’t be ashamed or have society MAKE me feel ashamed for who/what God has created me to be and THAT is a beautiful thing. I would not feel such complexities of my surrounding world and care so deeply about sharing who and what I am.
I truly and very compassionelty feel my strength can help others feel acceptance for themselves and the beauty that they are and just maybe I can help BOTH of us.
I am starting to come to terms and stop denying who and what I am and what I go through day to day. In my own head and perception I have always tried to be this “cool” rock/goth chick that has so much talent that it can be draining.
Knowing in my own head how hard it is to keep up such appearances, doing it all for the sake of “making it big” some day OR to at least touch people in some way. BUT what I am trying to do here is to be able to at least empower myself and in return I can actually share what MILLIONS of others go through and relate to what I am about to share and perhaps empower them too. There are too many stigmas and walls up snd well I am about to break those fuckers down if just only for myself.
Having been so shameful(and even a little jaded) to what I am, I think(hopefully) braking out of that mold is a big step for me. To be completely raw and honest about who I am and what makes me beautiful and uniquely me could either bring complete acceptance or turn around and bite me on my ass but here goes anyway!
- I have Bio-polar(since I was 13-15), and also suffere from PTSD, Adjustment disorder, Anxiety and Panic disorder, Agoraphobia, abandonment issues, self harm both physical and mental, depression, suicidal ideation which I learned at a very young age(way before it should have ever been made known to me) as well as a few other things that I deal with.
Now I realize again these amissions could totally change peoples perceptions about me but that truly is on THEM and their own fucked up way of thinking. For the most part I was born this way. However alot of fucked up relationsips with concerns to abusive horrible things in ALL forms has only added on to these issues.
Does that make me any less normal(hahah there is no such thing really) or make me any different from you???
HELL FUCKING NO, BUT there are stigma’s. HORRIBLY completely inhuman ones at that. However, it doesn’t mean I am going to go off my rocker at every turn of the second hand NOR does it make me any different then most of you(except that I am embracing it and that is alright and even cool because I know who I am in this respect)
Even sometimes I feel some of these things are God given gifts. I would NEVER be able to be as artistic and creative as I am. I simply feel and see things others do not and they probably never wll. Again there are millions also like me. Some of the most famous people history to the present from politicians, scientists, relgious/spirital leaders AND of course artitsts all history have struggled just the same BUT have also over come at times.
As for MANY of my physical ailments they are HELL. Which have NOTHING to do with any of the mental or emotional aspects but CAN add to them. I try to live a somwhat healthy lifestyle to prevent such things but just in the past year I have suffered greatly and that is when it DOES play into my depression.
Being sick and tired of being sick is no way to be OR live.
Just today I found out I have a few ulcers NOT in their normal places, another odd placed hernia, on top of the dbilatating migraines I get, RLS, insomnia, an injured lower back and increasingly bad hip issues AND pretty bad GI issues that have not been pin pointed as to why. I have lost a shit load of weight, which yes, makes me feel good but als makes me feel horrible when it is because of being so sick and not any happy light to look forward to anytime soon.
Point is in all this rambling is that I on about, I am a FIGHTER. I will get through all this, hell or high water.
Those that decide to stick with me will show me who truly love and care for me and will wait for me as I get better. I don’t need a shit load of fake wanna be’s or fair weather friends. I DO want to make it with my music and be the best I can be and love my kids, family and friends and just reach to out to the best I can and beyond.
With all this said. I hope I have helped at least one person. Again I know this has been unusually long but this means a LOT me to finally be able to share this with YOU!
Question is; would you have the balls and integrity to be as brave and do the same???
With all me love to you!
Much love to you ALL, ALWAYS