My Babies

A little poem of sorts-
My Babies-
I talk about my daughter all the timewho is 18.
I talk about how proud I am of her and love her-
She will always be-one of my babies.
I also have a beautiful 6 year old boy,
who I love equally as much but in different ways.
Different genders, different personalites and different ages-
BUT he also and will always be-
one of my babies.
BOTH will always be that to me, my babies.
I have gotten to see my daughter grow and learn so much.
I have also seen my son do the same.
My love for them knows no bounds.
Even if we all tell each other “I love you to the moon and back”
and they did something they shouldn’t have,
they will still always be-
my babies.
I have made mistakes but they are not and never will be one of them.
So to both of them, “Coreena” and “Logan,”
you both will always be-
my babies!
Me Coreena And Logan 2Me and Coreena 2me kissing loganCoreena and logan
<3

People CAN change so-Suck it, that’s what friends are for LOL xoxo ;)

~Disclaimer I am NOT the best grammatically correct person and it’s very early so no spelling or grammar Nazi’s PLEASE. You want the perfect blog entry get to stepin because you will not find it here.
I try to make these as coherent as possible BUT mistakes will be made or over looked!
I  appologize in advance! ;)

This was originally written just as a FB post but it got a little long winded so it is now a new blog entry! ;)

I just have to write this because this has been on my mind. I am not always the BEST friend or person I SHOULD be. However, I am striving to become the person that I WANT to be and that OTHERS want me to become. I do know I try my hardest to be honest in a way that brings the least amount of hurt to those who I feel even if they have wronged me in someway, I’ve tried to be the bigger person. This has not always been the case at times because like everyone else (just about) I have been spiteful at times AND can hold grudges for a long time. Even though I usually say sorry first even if it is NOT my own fault. I can also forgive pretty easy too because I know i am not perfect either.

I will say that YES, other peoples opinions on how I hold and carry myself mean a great deal to me.I have NEVER liked for people to out right hate me unless it was justified but even with that I still do try to grow and mature and learn from those things.

However, no I am NOT a doormat. Gosh that is SOOOO cliche but it’s true. There have been a few people who I have kicked out of my life for good because I just gave them chance after chance and they blew it every time and I feel no sorrow for letting them go not in the last year or so but I digress.

Just putting this out there that there are still some people who are decent and want to continue to grow and change for the better even after they have made some bad mistakes and or were selfish at some point.
I am sure many of my friends can relate. I do truly feel that if you have the will to WANT to change, a person CAN! xox
Happy Sunday all!
PS-This doesn’t mean I am an ass kisser either. I have a LOT of opinions and I am or I should say I try to be SMART in those opinions. I try to look at all sides of a situation/person and I do like to try and make people happy. There IS a difference.
And lastly if all else fails LAUGHTER and jokes help take me through all the BS that may come my way and I hope can share that with all you fine folks!
Suck it lolol kidding!!!
Enjoy one of my favorite kinda witty with some snark at least to me songs! xoxox <3

4th Of July Reflections-Spread The Love and Let Freedom Ring!

Vala-4th-of-July-for-Web-300
Happy 4th of July everyone.

I would like to take a few moments to reflect on this 4th of July, on what makes this country great and how we can improve in regards to what is going on with protests going on with immigration/illlegal immigrants.

I believe deeply in my heart and soul what is going on is saddening but can also be a learning point.

Take for a moment or two and to think about this; that we as a nation are actually built on illegal immigrants. That there were actual people who lived and ruled this land before we did. Over a few million that lived here over a couple thousand years in fact. Who had complete governing systems of their own. Their own spiritual beliefs and their own way of taking care of this land we so love. To them we were exactly like the people crossing the borders today. Who we are deaming “illegal” and to some are even viewed as not even being worthy of being treated humanely.

10 years ago I would have said we reap what we sow. That view, however, is not how I feel today as it has a negative condensation, so narrow and final. I would say now, that we should be forgiving ourselves of what we have done in the past and the present. Then we need to look at how we can move forward to embrace those we could actually learn from.

It is true for myself at least that we as human beings in general fear what we either do not undestand and or what we do not know. Since a majority of these people who are pooring into our country illegal or not come from a different culture, speak different languages, have different religious beliefs and in fact represant just about EVERYTHING we once were to the natives americans. We need to find ways of getting past that fear in order to start healing this country and making it better for future generations. After all, these are people who want to be free just like we did when we first came to this land. We are not all that different.

I know these thoughts and comments will not be shared or liked by some. I know I can’t change anyone’s mind if they are not open and don’t want to embrace that change. I will say however, that this is just my way of saying I am proud to be an american because I see what we have come from and what we can be. That we have shown in the past we can have a great compacity to embrace others so vastly different then us. I also know how far we as human beings can fall if not able to embrace those differences.

Now a few fitting qoutes for some food for thought!

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains,
but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”
~Nelson Mandela

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
~Mother Teresa

“I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality…
I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

“The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself.”
~Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“What I’m not confused about is the world needing much more love, no hate, no prejudice, no bigotry and more unity, peace and understanding. Period.”
~Stevie Wonder

“Truth will ultimately prevail where there is pains to bring it to light.”
~George Washington

Much love to you all. :)
Happy Birthday America!

 

New Journey Finding Myself-Part Two

So, in the mist of my trying to be honest yesterday, a few have taken it as a slight to themselves. I was trying to be as respective and honest as I could be. I did not nor imply any names in the slightest. So, if you took it personally because I want to personally make myself better then that is on YOU and your own selfish narcissistic ego’s.
~
Sure we all have them but at least I am mature enough to admit my short comings which I have tons.
~
I may not be the best person or friend that I would like to be BUT at least I have come out to admit those things. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, along with, PTSD, Social Anxiety, BiPolor, Panic issues and a whole shit of other things but just not just mentally but physically as well. This is NOT to lay blame on those things but beginning to except to who and what I am. Many are scared shitless if you are not “normal”, well fuck normal really. which is something I am trying very hard to deal with and some peoples actions and or personal comments have only added to my mistrust of it all..
Saying things behind my back when certain names were never involved is only a reflection on YOU and how juvenile you make yourself look(as I am sure I am looking like a raving lunatic right now but again this is MY wail and if I want to flippin vent on my own wall I will). Last time I checked NONE of us is perfect or better then anyone else.
~
I did and said things that came from my heart and I refuse to be bullied or made to feel worse or shamed for what I already do and for how I have handled a few things. But you reacted and what was said even AFTER I tried to explain is not on me it’s on you and thank god I am not going to take this one on and blame myself for it.
~
I use to be the one to ALWAYS apologize for everything first even if it was not in my control or fault. Trust me I take enough for no reason and this has got to end.
~
SO, with all due respect grow up, seriously. There is only one life we each get to life. I said previously when I was ready and if you could wait to give me time to heal then that shows me you care about ME and not your own ego. Since a few have already proved otherwise then good riddance. I meant what I said about me not having a lot of faith and trust in some and these are some of the exact reasons why.
~
Some people want to see me fail but that is not going to happen. I may not be what you want me to become but it’s not about your wants it is about mine RESPECT THAT.
~
Yes a little pissed and no I am not going to “simmer” down. It’s MY BLOG, MY WALL and MY LIFE. Except it or not but if you got something to say, say it to my FACE. IF NOT stfu, GROW A PAIR AND START WORKING ON YOUR OWN SELF WORTH. got it. good!
The bitch has spoken. And if I have to come off that was as much as I hate to, just to get my message heard and understood then so be it. Because I am far from that but I NEED to make it clear. Enjoy the weekend loves. The ones that actually matter.

Also not burning my bridges except to those that couldn’t see what I have struggled with even after I had private msg them explaining some things and they still make it about them, df AND blocked me so it shows to ME that you were not worth even finding out what I am capable of which is a lot.
Yes, I DO believe I have a lot to offer and that is not being arrogant, self centered or even close I just know my talents to an extent and I know I have way more to offer if given the chance and opportunities to do so..
~
Let me know the next time YOU YOURSELF are faced with the same and tell me how it feels to have what you did bounce right back on to you and to make you feel your not worth it either. The difference is, is that I am beginning to realize all the times loved ones told me I am a very strong person and a fighter.
Sorry for my novel of a rant but it needed to be said. I tried to be nice and polite about it and there were some push back but I always will continue to try.
~
TO the ones that had tucked tail and run you were not worth MY TIME to begin with if you couldn’t wait for me to get in a better head, physical and spiritual place.
I am gaining my own self worth and you won’t make me feel like I how I have been feeling which is the lowest of life.
Taking my life back one step at a time. It is NOT an over night process, far from it. So PLEASE if you can’t handle my truth then leave but don’t just leave in nastiness or without a just cause. I would treat you with the respect you deserve if the tables were turned. I guess that is the difference between you and I. I do greatly care about most and maybe that is my fault but it is also a gift.
Lastly to the ones who couldn’t have to balls to actually talk to me and instead to had to go to extremes I pity you for not being mature enough to contact me personally even though I said previously I NEEDED time and a few said they understood that.
~
No I didn’t say how much but you burned that bridge because your ego and impatience. You just wanted what you wanted either out of greed, pride or not want to even civilly talk, not caring how it maw effect myself or others..
~
HOWEVER I don’t believe in locking doors and throwing away the keys. I believe in forgiveness and the door is NEVER locked, only closed but all you have to do is walk through with honesty and a wiliness to except me and what makes me who I am.
AM I easy to get along with or friends with, NOPE but it is because I can see people(at least many) for who and what they truly are and want. I did reach out and this is what I was left with.
~
A Blessing in disguise is my only conclusion I REFUSE to go through what I did last November or even Jan of 2013.

Again SORRY for my ill tempered physco babble but I needed this to be said clear and precise.
~
Wait for me, to be by myself and please don’t put limits on me this is MY LIFE we are talking about..IF you really want to that is, if not, toxic friendships, serious mistrust or not having no faith in me and what I am and can achieve is totally lost and gone from you.
Thank you for tolerating my crazy BS.
Till next time! \m/
<3

Finally Free

<3

New Journey Finding Myself-Part One

IMPORTANT notes/updates so please read if I matter to you:
~
I have been away, and will only be off and on very briefly for the next month or two.
~
If it is super important-like an emergency txt me, BUT if it is NOT, please give me space to get myself back inline both physically, mentally and spiritually.
~
I am only one human being in the mist of over 7 billion. That is a lot to take in when you are trying to find out who you are(with being recently diagnosed with something new and won’t get into it now as I am not ready but when I am, I will post in my blog.)
~
This is solely about who I want to be, how I want others to see me and ultimately how I see yourself. As well as, learning how to accept ALL of myself.
~
If it were easy everyone would be able to accomplish this especially myself. I simply don’t like where I am at, who I was/am and was becoming. How others view me whether they are close or not and YES for myself I DO very much care about that.
~
How all of these things make me feel and see how I want to live is an eye opener and a sober one.
~
This is not all doom and gloom but about finding hope that I can achieve this with the right people I can FULLY with out a doubt trust to help me through.
~
I don’t have a lot of faith in some people TBH because their actions to others make me see how they act and treat me.
~
Those things just must be let go. This is a healing process and yes mine take a bit longer then some but I know I will over comer no matter what.
It may get worse before it gets better and I am ready for that.
~
Much love to the ones who have always stood by me, given space, have not pushed me and can if not fully understand will still wait for me. I love those the most. The others can either leave or prove to me that this isn’t about you but me. I have tried to be there for most why’ll neglecting myself. No more can I do that.
~
Finally, there will be some projects coming that I simply will not be able to do at present but if you are willing to wait because I think I am at least worth that then please do. If not I understand and release you for now. Just don’t want any bad blood and being as honest to my heart as I can. BUT Since I am being completely honest about this so please give me the respect and courtesy I feel I deserve back.
Till then peace and love. — feeling lost.

A fitting video for you and myself!

Say something; A MUST READ INSIGHTFUL!

*Taken from the song “Say Something” by A Great big World*

“Say something I’m giving up on you!”

“And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all”

“And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl”

~These lyrics seem to be hitting home for me really hard as of late.~

As the last lines  replay over in my head, the fear is that I won’t be able to even remotely gain. What appear to be simple for some. Even with a little work and with some self worth and confidence, seem to be some of the hardest things for me to even think I could possibly achieve.

It is only 31 days into the year of 2014. However, numerous set backs both in health matters and my mental well just feel so overwhelming to me that I have connected to these few lyrics in such a dark and elegantly simple manner. Then again being the emotional artist that I am I probably have to, to some degree. Just not as beautiful and so simplistically written.

~

It is NOT that I want to pity myself or have others feel sorry for me. Even if sometimes it might feel that way.  After all, we are all human and whatever those things that may separate us it is that human connection we have in us regardless if it shared conciously or not. What I also know is that WE ALL have these times where we don’t know who we are, how we may feel about it and then once we do know how to even achieve it and it can be some of the hardest things we may face in this life.

~

For myself though, to try to even start to to find any of those things has been very hard for me and it can be a very lonely road. I wish I could say it would at least for myself, bring some sense of stability or at best at least the illusion of one to help guild my sometimes fucked up life and/or the decisions I have made(even if they were good ones) or for the ones completely out of my control help through these rough times that just seems so elusive at present.

~

I can admit to myself that I have not always made the best or the most timely decisions in the past but this year I want it to be different.  I want my life and dreams and ambitions to be full-filled even if it takes baby steps. I also know that it IS still the very beginning of the year that could turn around to be an amazing one. It could be full of love, happiness, full of improved health that can turn out to be so unexpected in a positive light.

~

I know I have family and friends who love me dearly. They stuck literally by my side as I almost died last year. I AM a fighter but my moments of weaknesses or literally my biggest problem and I am my own worst enemy. BUT I do not want to be that person any more and it will take time and a LOT of healing of what I have been through.

~

I will also admit for the first time to people outside of my family that I suffer from MANY different illness both physical and mental.

I won’t be ashamed or have society MAKE me feel ashamed for who/what God has created me to be and THAT is a beautiful thing.  I would not feel such complexities of my surrounding world and care so deeply about sharing who and what I am.

~

I truly and very compassionelty feel my strength can help others feel acceptance for themselves and the beauty that they are and just maybe I can help BOTH of us.

~

I am starting to come to terms and stop denying who and what I am and what I go through day to day. In my own head and perception I have always tried to be this “cool” rock/goth chick that has so much talent that it can be draining.

~

Knowing in my own head how hard it is to keep up such appearances, doing it all for the sake of “making it big” some day OR to at least touch people in some way. BUT what I am trying to do here is to be able to at least empower myself and in return I can actually share what MILLIONS of others go through and relate to what I am about to share and perhaps empower them too. There are too many stigmas and walls up snd well I am about to break those fuckers down if just only for myself.

~

Having been so shameful(and even a little jaded) to what I am, I think(hopefully) braking out of that mold is a big step for me. To be completely raw and honest about who I am and what makes me beautiful and uniquely me could either bring complete acceptance or turn around and bite me on my ass but here goes anyway!

- I have Bio-polar(since I was 13-15), and also suffere from PTSD, Adjustment disorder, Anxiety and Panic disorder, Agoraphobia, abandonment issues, self harm both physical and mental, depression, suicidal ideation which I learned at a very young age(way before it should have ever been made known to me) as well as a few other things that I deal with.

~

Now I realize again these amissions could totally change peoples perceptions about me but that truly is on THEM and their own fucked up way of thinking. For the most part I was born this way. However alot of fucked up relationsips with concerns to abusive horrible things in ALL forms has only added on to these issues.

~

Does that make me any less normal(hahah there is no such thing really) or make me any different from you???
HELL FUCKING NO, BUT there are stigma’s. HORRIBLY completely inhuman ones at that. However, it doesn’t mean I am going to go off my rocker at every turn of the second hand NOR does it make me any different then most of you(except that I am embracing it and that is alright and even cool because I know who I am in this respect)

~

Even sometimes I feel some of these things are God given gifts.  I would NEVER be able to be as artistic and creative as I am. I simply feel and see things others do not and they probably never wll. Again there are millions also like me. Some of the most famous people history to the present from politicians, scientists, relgious/spirital leaders AND of course artitsts all history have struggled just the same BUT have also over come at times.

~

As for MANY of my physical ailments they are HELL. Which have NOTHING to do with any of the mental or emotional aspects but CAN add to them. I try to live a somwhat healthy lifestyle to prevent such things but just in the past year I have suffered greatly and that is when it DOES play into my depression.

Being sick and tired of being sick is no way to be OR live.

~

Just today I found out I have a few ulcers NOT in their normal places, another odd placed hernia, on top of the dbilatating migraines I get, RLS, insomnia, an injured lower back and increasingly bad hip issues AND pretty bad GI issues that have not been pin pointed as to why. I have lost a shit load of weight, which yes, makes me feel good but als makes me feel horrible when it is because of being so sick and not any happy light to look forward to anytime soon.

~

Point is in all this rambling is that I on about, I am a FIGHTER. I will get through all this, hell or high water.

~

Those that decide to stick with me will show me who truly love and care for me and will wait for me as I get better. I don’t need a shit load of fake wanna be’s or fair weather friends. I DO want to make it with my music and be the best I can be and love my kids, family and friends and just reach to out to the best I can and beyond.

~

With all this said. I hope I have helped at least one person. Again I know this has been unusually long but this means a LOT me to finally be able to share this with YOU!

Question is; would you have the balls and integrity to be as brave and do the same???
With all me love to you!

Much love to you ALL, ALWAYS
XOXO
\m/
~H

Not resolutions but, promises to myself for 2014!

I don’t really make new year’s resolutions but I am making a few promises to myself-

1. I am going to lose this last 30 lbs. Lost 54 so I know I can do it. 

2. I am going to really try hard to learn to except help and trust people a little more and not not push everyone away that love and care about me. 

3. I am NOT going to blame myself for EVERYTHING that goes wrong especially when I am not in the wrong or did anything to warrent that blame I put on myself. 

4. I am going to heal myself physically so I can get back out there and rock the masses especially for those that have missed seeing me perform and those that have not but have been waiting for me. 

5. I am going to try really hard to stop thinking so negatively about myself image and thinking everyone is going to judge every little thing about me because I can’t let that rule how I feel about myself. It is their issues or problems, not mine. People are going to judge no matter what and those that do especially negatively or cruelly is just a reflection on themselves. 

6. I am going to work on to stop isolating myself so much as it has cost me friends, oppertunities, meeting new people and just my mental well being. 

And finally- I am going to love myself more and not have so much seld loathing for myself. 
I have so much love, empathy and kindness for others so why not be and feel that way for myself? 
These things I promise to work and strive for through the good and sometimes horrible times. 
I almost died at the end of last year and the powers that be and my strong fighting will and the complete love and strength of my family got me through and brought me back. 
I can not and will not waste that mircle of surving through it all.
To 2013 a big F*** You.
To 2014 HERE I COME, SO WATCH OUT WORLD!!! 
Much love to all. 
 xoxo

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